Plus one year and i’ll be in the age of quarter of a century. Or simply i’ll just say that i’m turning 24 this year. I think my (and maybe your) friends frequency level of marriage or engagement will starts from late of 22 to age of 23. It’s not surprising since in Indonesia, BKKBN recommend people to get married at the age of 21 (for woman) and 25 (for man).
I know from the get-go that marriage is HARD.
What makes it hard? The commitment.
In islam, a man will shake the penghulu hand. Everytime i watch my friend did that, just after that i always feel the entire atmosphere, their world, the world of the groom and bride changes. It feels like the responsibility of the parent’s bride to guide and protect them will move to the groom. It feels like the responsibility of the parent’s groom to take care will move to the bride. It feels like starting off new world, only just the two of them. Starting a new life together with almost a stranger until one of them die.
The funnier thing is, somehow in Indonesia (maybe Asia too) people set this ‘starting life together with stranger’ as happiness standard. I forgot how many times I heard my friends want to marry someone when college work got hard. Also when reading other people’s story when they were advised by their neighbors to get married so they can be happy. I am glad that my parents (still) didnt force me to get married soon or set age of marriage to me. They know me too well jk wkkwkwkw
Maybe because i am the first daughter (whose parents had been in ldm and i live with my mother), so i know a little too soon about marriage life that my parents tell, relationship between a husband and a wife, and other secrets about marriage that my mother often advised me. One of the recent advise that my mother gave me was,
“Being married is like working. Sometimes there are unrelated problems. So if you don’t talk about the problem, doesn’t mean you have to be annoyed with each other outside the problem”.
Whoa i feel enlightened after that because more and more people said that marriage is more like working in a group. That marriage is not always and not only about love.
One day i went to a place impulsively. I randomly talked with ojek driver about the ‘quality’ of significant other that i want to have and important things about relationship value. I mentioned a few things like ‘have same religion’ and etc. But the driver kept saying that it is not what we should have for significant other. You know what he said?
He said that the most important is to accept each others flaws either its physical or mental. He also said that do not search for comfort. Because after marriage, there will be hardship after hardship.
What makes it seems easy? I guess, the love?
Indeed, it seems that managing new life together with the people we love looks exciting. It’s like going on a new adventure together. Live new experiences together. Both are developing in a better direction. Remind one another of kindness. If you go everywhere you can be together and you don’t have to worry about safety (for women). Have just someone who we rely on to tell stories about everything without restrictions, without fear of anything. Someone that when in front of them, we are ourselves without even putting on any mask. Someone we completely trust in this world full of uncertainty.
So i think it is important to choose someone that you feel like you can work with. Someone that you feel like you can communicate everyyy thoughts in your head. Someone that you feel like you can accepts their flaws. Because that’s what enough for couple to live together (aside from religion things ya).
Putting a T/W to my own thoughts won’t hurt anyone but i have to.
In this section, i will talk about women roles in marriage.
When married, women are faced with a new life. A life that requires her to be ready to have children from pregnancy to birth and take care for them. A life that requires her to be aware of the changing body and beauty during pregnancy and after childbirth. A life that makes her seems a little isolated from his circle of friends. A life that may require a woman to quit her job or be ready to be replaced from her job due to maternity leave. Stopping from pursuing not-so-much of a career, a career that the woman does to fill their time to keep developing and of course to increase income. Not to mention many ‘advices’ people will give on how to care for babies who have been born which are different from people in ancient times.
I’m sad because I feel that women are often blamed for everything from being pregnant to raising children. When the baby in the womb is not of a certain gender, when the baby is not born in a normal way, when carrying the baby on the back, when buying baby equipments, when giving formula milk instead of breast milk. Also when there is a lack of time to exercise to be healthy, stay beautiful and healthy like before pregnancy. When women feel confused about managing your finances because you have many needs that must be met. Also when they can’t position themselves in another family, when they feel uncomfortable mentally and so on. Also if their husband cheated on them, people still blame women for not being pretty enough and it left women with insecurities. All that happened while they experience changes in their life. Maybe this is what makes me have a kind of fear because I am afraid i will experience this in the future (maybe a few more years).
I thought a lot about how ‘easy’ a man’s life at a wedding from my view as a woman. I feel that after marriage, not much will change from men. Men will still have their friendship life. Men will still have a career life (ofc because usually the source of income is from men). Physically, there are no drastic hormonal changes. Not to mention that many men are brought up with the mindset ‘after marriage someone will take care of it’ as if they are still a kid.
But also maybe because I don’t fully understand myself yet. I am not fully accepting that in the next few years I will experience this phase of life. Not ready to accept the fact that indeed in married life there will be an ego that must be lowered and a lot of feelings that must be kept because of busy households. Maybe also because I grew up in a family where the parenting was good enough, so i don’t want to depend on other people for anything and i don’t want to project any kind of trauma for them to heal from. Huft. It’s true, if you want to get married, make sure you finish it with yourself first. Huft (2).
Like the flowers that the bride brings at the wedding, maybe that’s how a wedding can look sweet and beautiful. But still, there are flowers that are thorny and some that smell. And… these flowers can remain beautiful if it cared properly by the couples.
